They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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