I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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