The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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