none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
