Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
