If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
