I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
