The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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