I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
