I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
