The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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