We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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