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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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