New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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