Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
