Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
