If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
