I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
operation harelip BJ is a go
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
