I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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