two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
