I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
it glows. i had to have it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
its liver damage thursday
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
