I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
This is my gift to your gina
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
