I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
