I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you would pick up someone in the library
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
