Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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