well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
