and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
