I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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