"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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