He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
