I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
