why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
