life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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