Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
