Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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