I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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