By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
