I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
