i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
