I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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