Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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