My room smells like vodka and shame
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
