Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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