two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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