I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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