I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
