why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
