I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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