You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
