happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have already put on my inside pants.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
