So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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