forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
