Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
