20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
