Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
