Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
