I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
