Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
