he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
