so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
