he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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